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This is gonna be personal. I'm sorry about that. But this is a topic that is close to me, and something that more and more young people struggle with.

Suicide.

I have been struggling with depression and big mood swings since I was around 13, 14 years old. I tried to commit suicide when I was 14. Didn't manage to go through with it. Nobody knew about it. Second time I tried to do it was when I was around 23. Apparently, I failed that time too.

Between those two times I have done what I could to make the pain bearable. Mental illness is not fun to live with. It's really hard. Not only the illness it self, but in my case, to be told my doctors and other "experts" that I'm not sick, I'm not depressed. That I should just pull my self together and stop this silliness.

Not everyone understand how it is. When I was in class and we read about suicide, my classmates had no understanding for how it is. They could not understand the feeling and the pain that drives some people to end their lives. I understood, for I have been there many times. The comment my classmates said, they hurt so bad inside me.

Here in Sweden, mental illness is treated as a weakness. If you are depressed you are weak and a failure. If you go to a shrink and talk, you are weak and miserable. And young women that are trying to harm them self are put in mental prisons with murderers. They are being punished for being sick. So I understand if people suffer in silence. For who would dare say they feeling really bad, when the people around them might just not understand and make it worse.

Not all people that hurt them selfs do it to get help. Not all people that hurt them selfs want to get caught. I didn't. When I hurt my self it was not a call for help, I didn't wanted to be seen and make other feel pity for me. I simply did it to numb the pain. Physical is so much easier to handle than mental pain. When your arm hurt, you know that your arm hurt. You can see it being hurt and you can handle it.

But when your inside hurt, when your feelings is hurting, your mind and everything inside you just cramps up. And you just want to cry and cry and cry and hide from the world. When nothing seem to be worth all this deep sharp, blackness in you mind, when all you can think about is to get away from it all. To be free from this invisible prison. To be able to live a normal life without being thrown either into deep abyss of despair or being loved by the world. It's not that easy to handle. I have no idea what to do when I'm falling towards the bottomless pit of darkness in my heart. I have no quick ways to get up again. I can't take my life either, I'm not strong enough. Though sometimes I'm really thinking about it. I just have to keep living this. I know I sometime will get better, feel better and be on top of everything again. But till then there is this huge sea of darkness, negative thoughts and self doubt I'm drowning in every single day.

----

I guess it sometimes have it's perks to be depressed, I got this idea some days ago when I was feeling really down and under. I thought about it how I best could show this in picture. I know I had to use my dolls, and I'm very pleased with the outcome of it. I'm very pleased actually. Damn proud even.

And to you that know my dolls, no, Junie (the doll portrayed in this pictures) is not suicidal, nor has he ever been. This was done for my own personal needs.

Thank you for reading this wall of text. I appreciated it very much. :tighthug:


<EDIT 28/7/12>
THANK YOU ALL for the love I have gotten on this deviation! I'm so honored and blown away from all the comments and likes and stories you have told me. :tighthug:

And thank you :iconfirebirde: for suggesting this as a DD! And thank you :icon3wyl: for feature his as a DD :heart:

To all that is worried that I'm thinking about killing my self, you can rest assure that I'm not. I might fee down in darkness again, but I will always find my way back again. I always survive. And now I have so many stories to tell, so many picture to take, and so many hobbies to and friends to live for. Do not worry about me, I'm OK :huggle:
</EDIT>


:icondonotplz::iconusemyartplz:
__________________________
Photographyİ =lajvio
My photography is NOT stock. Do not reuse, repost or redistribute without my permission.
Add a Comment:
 

Daily Deviation

Given 2012-07-17
The suggester says, "I love this picture because it simply describes and demonstrates a deep and hard emotion. I think a lot of people can relate and connect to it. She photographed so no words were needed in it and still it tells a story."

Art of Suicide by =lajvio ( Suggested by firebirde and Featured by 3wyl )
:iconblinkingshadowz:
BlinkingShadowz Featured By Owner Aug 5, 2015  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
It's heart breaking to know that you went through all this. But it's amazing news that you're in a better state of mind then before. Do not worry for you? I worry for you, because I hope you're okay. Just because you're better, doesn't mean I can stop worrying. I can still worry that you're okay, and worry about how everything is going for you. Hopefully this does not come across as being weird. Just know that by sharing your story and past, you have become an inspiration and a person that people look up to.
Reply
:iconlajvio:
lajvio Featured By Owner Aug 26, 2015  Hobbyist Photographer
Thank you so much for your comment. It really means a lot. I will carry your words with me, and go back and read them when I'm feeling down <3 
I want you to know that I'm doing ok :) I'm a bit stressed over my work at the moment, but that will probably go away soon. And no, you are not weird, I can't control how you feel :) I'm honored that people feel for me, and worry for me. And that people are sharing with me as well. That is a huge gift!
Reply
:iconblinkingshadowz:
BlinkingShadowz Featured By Owner Aug 31, 2015  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
That's good that you're ok now. You have touched and connected with people through your art. Some of the pieces of artwork I think are amazing, are those that can connect with people, and have a meaning to them, like DestinyBlue and her artwork.
Reply
:iconlajvio:
lajvio Featured By Owner Sep 14, 2015  Hobbyist Photographer
Once again, thank you thank you. It's so amazing when people comment and tell their stories on my art. I feel so honoured and humble that what I do can touch people.
Reply
:iconhatoriki:
hatoriki Featured By Owner Jul 21, 2015  Hobbyist Photographer
Chronic depression is such a hard thing to deal with. You never get better, but you can learn to handle it. I've been depressed since I was a child and there have been times when I've hurt myself for several reasons - punishing myself for not being able to be happy and numbing the pain are just two of them - and by many means.

Living through mental illnesses such as depression is a sign of strength that you always have to remember yourself. It's sad depression is a sign of weakness, but I honestly think that being open about it will change the way people see it. I've been open about my depression for years and those around me understand as I've told them my story of all the hardships I've been through and explained to them what I go through and my struggle. Even if only a person at the time, I try to change the way depression is seen.

Because it's an illness, not a weakness. It's like a cancerous tumour in your soul and you always have to fight it.
Reply
:iconraptorlover0823:
RaptorLover0823 Featured By Owner Apr 15, 2015  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Wow. That's a Touching story. Just. Wow.
Reply
:iconlajvio:
lajvio Featured By Owner Apr 16, 2015  Hobbyist Photographer
Thank you! 
Reply
:iconwh5:
WH5 Featured By Owner Apr 12, 2015
nunca vou entender a censura do deviantart
Reply
:iconlajvio:
lajvio Featured By Owner Apr 12, 2015  Hobbyist Photographer
What?
Reply
:iconthe1dragon1girl:
the1dragon1girl Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2015  Student Digital Artist
translation via google chrome: "I will never understand censorship of deviantart" 
in portuguese
**I don't speak portuguese so I might be wrong
Reply
:iconlajvio:
lajvio Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2015  Hobbyist Photographer
Oh, deviantart have not censored this, I put a mature warning on it since it is about suicide after all ^^; 
Reply
:iconthe1dragon1girl:
the1dragon1girl Featured By Owner Jun 3, 2015  Student Digital Artist
:nod: I see that but I was just translating the comment
Reply
:iconlajvio:
lajvio Featured By Owner Jun 4, 2015  Hobbyist Photographer
ohh thanks for that then :)
Reply
:iconseth-ravenclaw:
seth-ravenclaw Featured By Owner Mar 4, 2015  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
well, i don't think a mental illness is a weakness at all. i think those people who suffer from it and even continue living, are the strongest people there are ^^ you should really respect them for their effort and strong will (which i do uwu) and its really nice that you got the strength to continue ^^ you have a real treasure of dolls x3 and a ton of helpful people here on DA x3 it always breaks my heart to see someone in sadness or worse. i hope you will continue to live on and enjoy life as far as you can ^^ i wish you lots of luck and happiness in your future <3
Reply
:iconlajvio:
lajvio Featured By Owner Mar 14, 2015  Hobbyist Photographer
Thank you so much my dear!! Your comment makes me rally warm hearten and happy that you like it ^^ And your very sweet comment!! I'm glad this piece still get so much love today <3 I wish you all the best as well!!
Reply
:iconseth-ravenclaw:
seth-ravenclaw Featured By Owner Mar 14, 2015  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
well,i'm short on words now ^^; so all i can say is that you are very welcome x3
Reply
:iconlajvio:
lajvio Featured By Owner Mar 14, 2015  Hobbyist Photographer
*Free Icon/Emote* Totoro ( Heart) 
Reply
:iconseth-ravenclaw:
seth-ravenclaw Featured By Owner Mar 14, 2015  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
thats cute x3
Reply
:iconbleachgirls209:
bleachgirls209 Featured By Owner Nov 17, 2014  Hobbyist Filmographer
I'm glad you're okay now :) If you ever need anyone im here! I've been looking at your doll photography and I just love it!
Reply
:iconlajvio:
lajvio Featured By Owner Nov 21, 2014  Hobbyist Photographer
Yeah, I survive, I always do that :) Thank you so much for your comment!
And I'm glad you like what I do ^^
Reply
:iconisabell93:
isabell93 Featured By Owner Sep 17, 2013
This is really amazing. You can really feel the emotion to a huge extent.
Reply
:iconlajvio:
lajvio Featured By Owner Oct 3, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
Thank you so much dear! That really means a lot. :tighthug:
Reply
:iconisabell93:
isabell93 Featured By Owner Oct 3, 2013
ahh it's no problem ^^"
Reply
:iconlajvio:
lajvio Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
:glomp: 
Reply
:iconinuyashagem18:
inuyashagem18 Featured By Owner Sep 7, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I just hope you know your not alone. Even though I am physically in America, I will be here for you. Day or night. Please don't do anything rash! You have us! -hug-
Reply
:iconlajvio:
lajvio Featured By Owner Sep 12, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
Thank you so much. 
Right now I'm not feeling to good, sadly. I hate it. But just have to power through. people here on DA is a huge light for me ^^
Reply
:iconinuyashagem18:
inuyashagem18 Featured By Owner Sep 23, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
I struggled with depression in high school due to bullying and now that that portion of my life is gone, I'm much better. I hope that you never give up! You will always have people to fall back on and I want you to know you have me always :)
Reply
:iconlajvio:
lajvio Featured By Owner Oct 18, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
I'm really glad you have moved on, left it behind you, and I wish you eternal happiness for real! =^w^=
I'm feeling better, sometimes I wonder if I really do, but I think I feel better :) I hope that anyways. Yes I do! :D 
But yes, I have people that are being a great support and all. And I just need to calm down and relax and think how great life is and it will all be better ^^
Reply
:iconinuyashagem18:
inuyashagem18 Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2013  Hobbyist General Artist
:) Just keep your head up and always look forward! 
Reply
:iconlajvio:
lajvio Featured By Owner Oct 21, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
:huggle: Thank you so much! And the same to as well ^^
Reply
:iconbrownietheif:
BrownieTheif Featured By Owner Aug 21, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
hugs! and keep ur head up it'll get better
Reply
:iconlajvio:
lajvio Featured By Owner Aug 21, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
:hug: Thank you so much ^^
Reply
:iconbrownietheif:
BrownieTheif Featured By Owner Aug 21, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
:)
Reply
:iconlajvio:
lajvio Featured By Owner Aug 22, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
I'm glad you found this old thing. It would be sad if it was forgotten, since the topic i important. 
Reply
:iconbrownietheif:
BrownieTheif Featured By Owner Aug 22, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
ya me too, im glad u made it...r u into Bjds?
Reply
:iconlajvio:
lajvio Featured By Owner Aug 24, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
Yes I am :)
Reply
:iconbrownietheif:
BrownieTheif Featured By Owner Aug 24, 2013  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Cool do u have a fav company
Reply
:iconlajvio:
lajvio Featured By Owner Aug 24, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
Fairyland and Cerberus Project. I have most dolls from them.
Reply
(1 Reply)
:iconrandomgurlonthenet:
RandomGurlonthenet Featured By Owner May 22, 2013  Student Digital Artist
I cried
Reply
:iconlajvio:
lajvio Featured By Owner May 22, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
Nooo don't do that :huggle:
Reply
:iconrandomgurlonthenet:
RandomGurlonthenet Featured By Owner May 23, 2013  Student Digital Artist
But dear.Your story is touching ;;u;;

It's lovely.

The fact you are able to move on.And continue smiling...makes me happy ;;u;;
Reply
:iconlajvio:
lajvio Featured By Owner May 23, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
:huggle: I'm trying. I'm in a touch place right now, but I'm trying everyday.
Reply
:iconrandomgurlonthenet:
RandomGurlonthenet Featured By Owner May 23, 2013  Student Digital Artist
I am praying for your success dear

:iconmoesmileplz:
Reply
:iconlajvio:
lajvio Featured By Owner May 24, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
Aww... thank you sweety! :huggle:
Reply
:icondomedo:
domedo Featured By Owner Jan 28, 2013
all of what you've said is an inspiration to keep going for me. I've struggled with depression and suicide for to long, making countless attempts. This gives me some motivation to go on, thank you for that.
Reply
:iconlajvio:
lajvio Featured By Owner Jan 30, 2013  Hobbyist Photographer
:huggle: I'm so glad I could be an inspiration for you. That really means a lot. I'm so glad I could help you, I know that it's not easy to find motivation and strength, I'm glad that you found some... and good luck to your journey! <3
Reply
:iconkoikichuoa:
KoiKichuoa Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2012
thank you. this is rather hard for me to look at due to my current struggle with depression thank you for posting you beautiful art and being you
Reply
:iconlajvio:
lajvio Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
I know the feeling. I had so much hesitation to post this... but I have only got pure love from it, so I'm very happy I did it :)
Reply
:iconkoikichuoa:
KoiKichuoa Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2012
gosh i love you so much your dolls your photography how you answer the post people make your wonderful
ps do you know the average time and price of a face up <3
Reply
:iconlajvio:
lajvio Featured By Owner Dec 14, 2012  Hobbyist Photographer
Awww... thank you so much for your kind words! :huggle:
face ups? Wow... it's very different, from $30 to $100. From 2 weeks to 6month....
Reply
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Submitted on
July 4, 2012
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